Thoughts on Marriage

I recently had a sweet mom email me and ask for wisdom on improving her marriage.

Below are excepts of an email I sent to her.

T is my bestest and dearest friend in the whole world---other than Jesus. And the only way that I can possibly love T is to love the Lord more. So my first bit of advice is to seek the Lord and ask Him to help you make your sweetie a priority. Ask Him to give you creative ideas on how you can improve your relationship.

Here are some things that I do or have done in the past:

1. NEVER speak poorly of your husband. Always speak only kind and uplifting things about him. This comes easy for me cause I really can't think of anything negative. :-) But on our wedding day, the pastor who married us said to us that we should cover one another. That others should not see Todd's flaws because I was there to cover them and show only his good side and vice versa. And so I made it a practice to only speak highly of him. When friends would say bad things about their husbands, I chose not to enter into those discussions. This means even little side remarks that may be true, but don't need to be said like "Oh, he's not a handy-man." Always be an encourager and he'll trust you with his heart. Todd knows that I speak highly of him and he trusts me in that area. And I trust him that he would only speak kindly about me. I guess the main thing is to make that a practice if you haven't already. And it will become easier and easier. And I imagine it'll change your attitude towards him if you are focusing on the positive and not the negative.

2. Allow him to lead you. I am a strong personality. And T is more reserved. The way he leads is very different from the way I lead. And I've had to learn to submit to his leadership style. For me that means, to wait patiently which is not easy for my personality. I just want to get things done. But T is very wise and methodical. And when he does something, he does it with excellence. I remember hearing a speaker talk about family devotionals and allowing your husband to lead without interrupting and making corrections. It was soooo convicting to me. So, I've had to learn to take more of a back seat role.

3. Pray for your husband as much as possible. I think we often forget how hard it is to be a man--to have daily challenges at work, to have problems at home, to have to make all the family decisions, to be financially responsible, and spiritually responsible for your family etc. I pray throughout the day for T and I "Instant Message" him and ask him at least once a day how I can pray for him and how things are going at work.

4. Pray with your husband daily. We pray right before bed. This has been our practice since we got married. T's prayers are usually pretty short and sweet, mine can be longer. But this is a time that we bring all of our concerns and requests to the Lord together.

5. Have a good girlfriend. :-) OK this sounds weird, but it's important to have someone else to talk to besides your hubby. A good girlfriend will listen and help you work out things too. It doesn't all have to fall on your husband. It's not about keeping secrets here. Just trying to spare him from saving all the problems of the world. :-) Just want to make it clear that I am not talking about going to your girlfriend with problems about your husband. This is really more about having someone else to talk to about issues of your heart and practical advice.

6. Have a white board in a prominent area where your husband can write things that need to be done. Like errands he's needs to you to (get stamps, have a child shred papers, get something he needs at the grocery store, etc) And then make it a priority to get those things done.

7. Ask him "How can I be a better wife for you?" And then listen without justifying or getting angry about his answer.

8. Another good question, "Is there any area in which you feel I am not submitting to you?"

9. Be honest and share your feelings with him. If there is conflict, don't allow it to fester. Pray and go to him quickly. Most of our squabbles are just quick things like "Did you mean that the way I'm hearing it?" The answer is usually "No, will you forgive me for not choosing my words wisely?" And the response is "Of course." Then we move on with life.

10. Be quick to forgive and don't hold grudges! Forgiveness means choosing not to replay the hurt and not letting it damage the relationship. Stomping around, slamming doors or silent treatment is not forgiving.

11. Go on dates!! You need time to recharge and fill that relationship cup.

12. Not for little eyes. But make sure you are fulfilling his need for intimacy. It is important that his love tank is full. If not, it can lead to second glances and other temptations. You can do your part by keeping that tank full.

13. Don't assume that he knows what you need. I need a lot of encouragement. So every night I ask T, "Why do you love me?" If I especially need lots of encouragement, I may say, "Give me 5 reasons why you love me today." I don't mind asking, and he doesn't mind giving me answers.

14. Do everything you can to make him happy. You will be more satisfied in your marriage if you are seeking to satisfy the needs of your hubby--not your own needs.

15. Respect him! Don't correct him in front of others (including the children). Don't belittle. Do those things that he asks you to do. Honor him with your words and actions.

16. Ask him, "What one or 2 things can I do that would be a blessing to you?" And then try to do those things.

17. If there is an area where you are not submitting, pray and repent. Remember that it is easier to submit, than it is to lead. He is responsible for all the decisions, you are just responsible for following with a good attitude. When you get our from under his protection by not submitting, you are in danger. There is protection when you stay under the umbrella of your husband's authority. AND many times blessings!! My sweet K is a testimony of God's faithfulness and blessings when I submitted to T's desires.

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